Real Modern Man

Back in the days of yore, that is, before women won the "right" to be admitted to what used to be exclusively male clubs and venues, men could talk freely and frankly about personal matters such as relationships with women.

Now, men are isolated from each other, and subject to possibly severe penalties for sexual harassment if such discussion makes a woman "feel uncomfortable." (Basing legal rights on emotional state is a topic for future investigation.) And popular culture insists that men are relationship morons, with the emotional range of teaspoons.

These popular notions have had exactly the opposite effect of what was intended: instead of bringing men and women together, there is large and growing wedge between men and women. Men are isolated from each other, wondering why they are doing everything society demands of them, to the best of their ability, yet they are punished for it. As a result, men feel shame even talking about their relationships.

This is ridiculous.

And it has to stop.

Women have vast amounts of material available to them, in the form of magazines such as Cosmopolitan, bookshelves full of tomes from "relationship experts," and the ready ear of close female friends always happy listen, and be listened to, on the subject of relationships with men.

Men, have nothing.

Unless a man has had the opportunity to share crucial information about women with his peers WHO ARE SUCCESSFUL WITH WOMEN, in a non-judgemental fashion (perhaps in a fraternity or on a sports team), he has had nothing. The game is rigged against him, and conspires to keep him weak within a relationship by constant negative social reinforcement.

Breaking this cycle of madness is hard self-development work, and must be done by each man individually. In many cases, men may need formal counseling to erase socially induced shame. And all men, no matter how adroit with women and relationships, can improve with coaching. Counseling and coaching form the head and tail of the coin of self-development. What follows is part 2 of an article concerning this coin.

Tails: Counseling

Counseling is double-edged sword. Effective counseling will bring a man up to par, help him get him right with himself. Ineffective counseling is worse than no counseling, and could make a bad situation worse. In two cases I know of, the husband and wife both agreed that they didn't need counseling. One of those cases finally ended in divorce (i.e., mine), the other is ongoing.

From my personal experience, and from listening to and reading about many other men, one of the most pernicious aspects is the socially-induced sense of shame men feel when their relationships with women fail. What is never discussed is how men who excel in the socially prescribed mechanics of relationships are practicing a theory that does not work! These men (I was one of them) do everything right. They are exemplary husbands and boyfriends. Faithful, loyal, good providers, good fathers to their children, yet totally unattractive if not despised by their wives.

Men do not deal well with such incongruity, and tend to internalize the incongruity between their outward success and inward misery as feelings of shame and failure. These feelings are further reinforced by popular books on relationships and by the marriage counseling industry, where relationship problems are blamed on the men.

Heads: Coaching

Good coaching takes what is already in a man, and brings it the forefront. Coaches can point out weaknesses we are blind to, allowing us to either strengthen our weaks points, compensate for them in other ways, or simply develop a strategy more capable of leveraging our strengths.

In a large number of fields, coaching is readily available. Certainly for sports of all kinds, coaches are considered indispensable. Life coaching is becoming popular enough to warrant it's own membership body and certification training (though not state-sanctioned certification).

Relationship coaching is still in it's infancy. Contemporary society still suffers from outdated notions of love and romance. Notions such as "men have the emotional range of a teaspoon," and "Soul mates are for life." In the context of such notions, counseling becomes the only accepted practice: if a relationship is dysfunctional, then it's "bad" and there is "something wrong." Growing experience in the seduction and relationship coaching communities is showing that this is incorrect. A dysfunctional relationship may be either rapidly fixed or rapidly dissolved, often to all parties satisfaction, when the man clearly understands his role in the relationship, and has the tools to fulfill this role. Very often and perhaps unstated or implicitly defined, the man's role is to lead the relationship, or failing that, at least hold his own without collapsing in the face of feminine energy. Relationship coaching can help men understand relationship dynamics, within the context of their own relationships.

Synergy

There is a large and growing selection of self-help books, seminars and multimedia CDs and DVDs covering both sides of the coin of the coin of self-development. Those of us willing to spend the time and energy can literally counsel and coach ourselves.

A remarkable synergy erupts when effective counseling is combined with effective coaching. The counseling brings a man up to par, helps him understand and transform his sense of shame into productive action. Coaching helps a man build on his strengths, to help him use his natural masculinity for organizing his life and his relationships with women to his personal sense of satisfaction. When these paths are traveled together, each step forward provides reinforcement.

For example, men have a natural desire to be around women, both a sexual desire and simply because women are fun to be around. In both cases, neither desire is anything at all to be ashamed of. Sexual desire is natural. Enjoy it! Here is the key: if you as a man are not ashamed of your sexual desire, women will not be ashamed of your sexual desire either. Eliminate the shame (counseling), learn to communicate your desire in female-friendly language (coaching), and feel how women respond, because they will respond.

I had an epiphany on this point a few months ago. I was walking down the sidewalk to the coffee shop, sort of strutting my stuff. An older women (probably mid-60s) approaching me looked down and away, then tucked her hair behind her ear as she passed. I had to laugh, because I could hear her thinking "I wish I were 40 again." The game never ends.