Real Modern Man

I have a female acquaintance who has difficulty with men. Part of her difficulty is that she focuses on her social differences rather than her social commonalities. She makes it very difficult to establish rapport by insisting on how she is "different."

Breaking rapport seems rampant in two particular types of people:

• Self-centered people possibly with low self-esteem.
• Member of subcultures defined by social differences with society at large.

Such people seem to self-identify on "differences," thus finding commonalities with people "not like me" apparently threatens their identity. In my acquaintance's case, she is an active member of what could be called the "Outdoor Adventure" subculture, and being attractive, certainly enjoys the benefit of a 10:1 male/female ratio.

But it's much more fun to connect with people on the basis of positive shared experiences and common interests than it is to be drawn together through circles of mutual dislikes. If you use the rapport breaking words in an offhand way, creating unwarranted negativity in your immediate surroundings, consider eliminating them from your vocabulary completely. It can be done. I never use "My problem is." I only express dislikes in when pressed for an honest opinion.

Rapport breakers

This is a pretty easy trait to recognize. In emotionally challenging situations, especially faced with possibility for connection, such people often preface their speech with either:

I don't like...

or

My problem is...

Accurately reading someone requires understanding that either of these figures of speech could simply be bad habit on the part of the speaker, without indicating any underlying issue blocking rapport. It's really important to watch the other person's body language and listen very carefully to their tone of voice. It's crucial to evaluate how such words make you feel. If the speaker is expressing internal frustration or exasperation concerningn an external circumstance or personal foible, no big deal. If these words are used to block rapport, you may well be better spending your time with someone else.

Your habits

Do you use these figures of speech?

If so, what does it indicate to people about yourself?

Do you have consistent difficulty connecting with attractive women? With anyone? Everyone? Do all your friends use these figures of speech as well?

If you consistent break rapport or refuse honest attempts at connection while at the same time desiring such connections, consider taking a really good look at yourself to evaluate the difference between your desire and the results you are getting.

When interacting with attractive women, consider her reaction to the following:

• You: "I hate people that do XYZ!"
  She thinks: "Ohmigod! I really like XYZ. This guy seemed so cool. But now I feel bad."
• You: "I love it when women do ABC."
  She thinks: "Wow! A man that knows what he likes!"

How do you interact with attractive women? Do you encourage rapport by finding commonalities? Or discourage rapport by focusing on your differences to society at large, and perhaps the woman in front of you?